Thursday, August 28, 2008

from my inbox

This made me laugh...I wanted to share.

Summary of My Last Year on the Computer

***I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poison in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

***Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

***I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

***I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

***I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

***I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

***I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

***Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

***Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

***I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my backseat when I'm pumping gas.

***I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

***I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

***And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,disfiguring me for life.

***I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be nicked with a needle infected with AIDS.

***I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

***I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

***I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

***I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

***I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

***Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites me.

***And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

***I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

***If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...Have a wonderful day....

***Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their email with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.

13 comments:

Tausha said...

I found your blog from some other fabulous person.
I laughed out loud-pretty much through the whole thing. I espescially like the water buffalo and the camels and stuff. You are too funny! i will be back to see what other funny things you can come up with! Hope you get a good laugh, like what you gave me-only better!
Please, come stop by and say hello!

Meg said...

My goodness, Tausha, I wish I could take credit for this - it was just an email. But a funny one, eh? Thanks for your note.

suburban prep said...

Crack me up.
Thanks for the laughs.

Shabbee Chick said...

That was hi-larious!!! Thanks for the pick me up!!!

Prep-E Girl said...

Wow! In the past week, I have won the BRITISH, IRISH and SWISS national lotteries!

Fabulous, huh?

Have a great weekend!

-E

debra said...

Too funny! Thanks for a good laugh this morning. :)

Beach Rose said...

Does this mean my $15,000 check from Microsoft ISN'T in the mail?

Preppy Rider said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Jenni @ nest to keep said...

Oh, what a funny, funny email! That just cracked me up! It just goes to prove, you really can't believer everything you hear! :)

Have a wonderful night! :)

tulipmom said...

This was too funny!

Tres Poshe Preppy said...

Funny!

Happy Birthday! I hope you had a great one! I hope this finds you well! :)

Terri said...

Ha! My hand was only hovering above the mouse! Not actually touching it!

Merci-Notes said...

Meg,
I love to laugh and you have done it for me today! A HUGE thank you for that!
I do miss you.
This reminds me of a phone message a good friend left me when she could not find us at our home (we had taken off EARLY in the morning for Chicago house hunting without leaving any clue to anyone)
here is her messge, given in a very sad voice:
"Mary, where are you?"
It brings tears and Iknow that your friends here feel the same way and we know how lucky every one is over there who are now meeting you.
Hugs and love,
Mary